Ten Baaaad Movies
Inspired by Jim's blog entries on bad movies, I wanted to weigh in, too, with ten random movies that I hated. I'm not nearly as prolific or ambitious a blogger as Jim is, so I'll keep my comments to a line or two. I also tend not to remember the plots of the bad movies I've seen because I'm not as patient. I usually don't stick with bad movies through the whole hour, unless someone pays me (which they have done on occasion). I'll also try to avoid what Jim's already mentioned.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: This is the first movie I remember hating. All I remember is that I left the theater feeling bad and angry and powerless. I realized later that was the outrage at having one's intelligence insulted.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park: This holds a special place in my heart as the first movie I saw in a theater that I walked out on. Basically, some folks from the first movie (which was a good movie) and some new folks sleepwalk through the first hour of the film until the dinosaurs can kick some human ass in civilization. But my sister and I never made it to that point. I kept wondering why they wasted so much time on the perfunctory catch-up story, since it's obvious from the beginning that the point of it all was to reunite the characters in front of the dinosaurs. If I'm going to make it to the movie on time, at least reward me for it.

The Sidehackers, aka Five the Hard Way: Vile, vile, vile. It starts out as a dumb movie about two motorcycle teams who like to race around a track with another person clinging to the side of the bike. Then, out of nowhere, one character graphically and brutally murders another for no reason other than to start a bleak story of revenge, which has no emotional payoff in the end. Since there was no point, the makers of this movie must have expected this to be entertaining. How dare you, movie! How dare you!

Viva Knievel!: Evel Knievel fights and outsmarts a drug lord (Leslie Nielsen) who wants him dead! Evel cures the alcoholism of his mechanic (Gene Kelly), breaks him out of a Mexican insane asylum, and reunites him with his estranged young son! Evel heals the crippled children! (Now you think I'm kidding.) And all this while winning the cold, cold feminist heart of female journalist Lauren Hutton! Oh, and he jumps a motorcycle over some cars.

Rapid Fire: The Brandon Lee-Powers Boothe flick. It's not really bad, just very typical (and stereotypical) of its genre. Some bad guys are after Brandon Lee for some reason, so he teams up with Powers Boothe, a snarly cop he can trust. There are gunfights and fisticuffs and I do believe there is a pursuit through one of the many steamy factories of Los Angeles or wherever this takes place. No one has ever said "Goddamn!" quite like Powers Boothe in this movie. Or as many times as he does in this movie.

What Dreams May Come: Am I mean for hating a movie about a man trying to rescue his wife from hell, so she can join him in heaven? But, it committed the crime of being boring, and then telling me that I'm wrong for failing to be amazed. Fuck you, movie! Don't tell me what to do! It certainly is pretty, but the characters explain their actions in psycho-babble instead of just acting, and telling me how I am supposed to feel, instead of just letting me feel. So, the movie spent several hours trying to say something, instead of just saying it.

The Blair Witch Project: You know, when I take blurry pictures of nothing, people tell me I'm a crappy photographer. And when I start talking pointlessly about uninteresting college students who make bad decisions, most people stop listening. This shows me that I need the the marketing geniuses behind this movie.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones: The dialogue is memorable but for all the wrong reasons. There was a story here, but it got lost in all George Lucas' over-writing. This and Star Wars Episode I show why you should never let people see your first draft and why the delete key is your friend.

The Avengers: I caught ten minutes of the Uma Thurman - Ralph Fiennes picture, but that was enough. The acting in this was excruciating-- Fiennes actually looked like it hurt to say his lines. Where was the fun? The chemistry? The thing about The Avengers TV show is that even though Emma Peel and John Steed sometimes did the most ridiculous things, they did so the way that most people taste fine wine. Show me the love, folks. Or at least fake it.

Ringmaster: I didn't actually hate it as much as my boyfriend did. Unlike him, I believe this movie could have been something. But, with the addition of non-actor Jerry Springer, playing himself, and some very earnest acting, watching this is just like watching an episode of the real Jerry Springer Show, except that it's scripted (unlike, ahem, the guests of the real show who are 100 percent real). But lots of people left the screening looking at the clock, amazed that they had only wasted 90 minutes, instead of two years.